


Small Favours

by ForNought



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M, kink meme fill, past marco, so there is talk about him and his death and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-20
Updated: 2013-08-20
Packaged: 2017-12-24 03:31:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/934795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForNought/pseuds/ForNought
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just when Jean had finally built himself up to asking Armin about having sex he finds out that Armin isn't a virgin after all. That revelation is made worse for Jean when he finds out that Armin and Marco had an arrangement involving sexual favours so he stews over that for a while.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Small Favours

**Author's Note:**

> This is like the extended directors-cut of the fic i posted on dw. As in it is a fair bit longer than it used to be and somehow a tad angstier (maybe).

It took a moment for the information to fully reach Jean's brain. He had indeed heard Armin's reply but it didn't make that much sense to him. He fidgeted where he sat, leaning against the wall of the storage shed opposite the kitchens. It was their usual meeting place but a part of Jean suddenly wished that they weren't here for this particular conversation.

"You're not a virgin?" Jean said slowly, keeping his voice low as he pronounced each syllable with careful deliberation. 

"No, I'm not," Armin said. "That's not a problem, is it?" 

It was not so much a problem as Jean just couldn't concile the ideas of sexual experience and Armin in his head. Armin was bookish and clever and had this air of naïveté that Jean was just realising might have been imagined. He had probably been projecting his own ideals on the other boy, putting him up on a wonky sort of pedestal, made unbalanced by the unnatural perfection Jean had seen in the first ever person to reciprocate his feelings. 

It was absolutely not a problem, it was just that Armin was the first person that Jean had even kissed and he had assumed the same was true for Armin, yet here was Armin admitting he had this past that had nothing to do with Jean. He had wanted to be the first to touch, he had wanted to be right there with Armin to learn how their bodies worked and reacted to each other but Armin already knew things. He had already done things and Jean was jealous. 

He sort of wanted to hit whoever it was that had Armin first and then he could go on to fight alongside his boyfriend until the titans were all gone and they would live in a little cottage somewhere far away from the walls, happily ever after. 

"It's not a problem," Jean finally replied. He sounded nowhere near as nonchalant as he had hoped to and Armin looked a bit queasy. 

"Are you sure it's not a problem because you sort of look... you look like it might be a problem for you." 

"It's not, it's not," Jean reassured him. He didn't feel entirely certain himself but there was no way he was going to let Armin think he was some irrational, controlling weirdo who would get angry over something like that. Armin might have been his boyfriend but he wasn't Jean's property. It was fine. It really wasn't a problem. Armin wasn't just teetering on the unsteady pedestal Jean was putting him on because he kind of was really perfect, virgin or not. 

After a moment, Jean asked, "Who was it?" 

"Marco." 

It was a quick, solid reply and Jean sort of wished that Armin had taken a moment before he said it. Perhaps made an attempt to soften that blow. Although there was a good chance it would have hurt just as much anyway. Why was it Marco? 

Jean swallowed hard and breathed against the twisting in his gut. 

"But I'd have known if he was seeing anybody. I'd have known if he was seeing you." 

"We weren't really together. We just sort of... We talked a lot about a lot of things and then we found out that we both liked boys. It was nice knowing that I wasn't the only one like me and eventually we just sort of tried some stuff out. It wasn't a relationship, it was just friends, like, practicing together." Armin was twisting his fingers together as he spoke and only stopped when he caught himself and tried to laugh it off. Tried to act like he wasn't a bit nervous about telling somebody about this. Tried to pretend it didn't hurt at least a little bit to remember Marco. 

It was hurting Jean and he wasn't even recalling memories of his deceased friend. But then he was. He had vowed to do everything he could to avenge Marco when it came to the titans but he couldn't help remembering the body slumped hopelessly against a wall. Alone and missing parts of himself. And Jean was sad that Marco was gone but he was angry too. Angry that he wasn't there for Jean to yell and angry that Marco had even been with Armin in the first place. 

"You know, he-" 

"Actually, Armin, I have somewhere to be right now." 

"It is a problem, isn't it," Armin said with an accusing note in his voice. 

Yes. Yes it was a problem but there was no way Jean could say that now. He couldn't admit there was a problem after he had said it was fine. He couldn't say that it was a problem after Armin told him it had been Marco. 

Marco was his friend. Friends tell each other those kinds of things, don't they? He remember passing by an excited Hannah as she chattered to Mina about losing her virginity to Franz and - Jean wasn't likening himself and Marco to a pair of girls but the sharing of big personal news was still something he was sure most friends did. Marco should have told him. Marco shouldn't have done it in the first place. Jean felt stupid for thinking that when it wasn't as though Marco could have known Jean would have been this jealous. 

He needed to get away from Armin to try to think clearly but as he headed towards the showers he didn't miss Armin telling him, "He liked you." 

 

It was a stupid thing to have to think about. 

Marco liked him. What good was that knowledge now that Marco was dead and unaware of how much Jean sort of hated him for having had something with Armin? Armin had told him it wasn't a relationship but who cared if they didn't hold hands and kiss all the time? Jean and Armin were actual proper boyfriends and they hardly did any of that so it sounded like weak placation to him. 

And it was making him angry at Armin too. 

He liked Armin. He really, really liked Armin. It was early days but he couldn't imagine not being with Armin. He couldn't quite remember how he had navigated himself before Armin was in the picture and he feared it would be too much to have to relearn how his life worked without the little blonde brain-box to exist around. 

But he couldn't help feeling irritated with Armin. Stupid Armin who was cute and unintentionally funny and had a special Jean-smile that made Jean feel weightless, made him feel as though he were the only person in the world. Stupid Armin was gingerly resting his hand on Jean's arm and offering him a guarded version of that same smile after a cautious approach to their usual place. 

"Hi." 

"Hello."

"Why would you tell me something like that?" Jean asked sharply. He needed the contact though so he didn't pull away from the touch he could barely feel through the thick weave of his brown jacket. 

Armin frowned. "Tell you what? Hello?" 

"No, shut up. I mean. Before when you told me Marco liked me. Why would you tell me something like that?" 

"I think he would have wanted you to know," Armin replied diplomatically. Jean lost the last bit of contact when Armin folded his arms across his chest and looked away. 

"If he had wanted me to know he would have told me." 

"Maybe he was waiting for a good time to tell you." 

"Maybe he was just never going to tell me. He didn't want me to know because there never would have been a good time. He knew was my friend and that was it. It wouldn't have gone anywhere. He probably already knew that." 

Armin looked up at him slowly with an expression Jean hadn't ever wanted to see directed his way. "That was harsh."

That was harsh but Jean was angry and annoyed and he had already messed up in morning training because he kept thinking about these stupid things.

"I know it was horrible, but... I don't want to hear things like that. I like you so much but I don't want you telling me stupid things like that. I'm trying to act like it didn't matter but you were with him and it's not fair because you're... Was there somebody you liked?" 

"What?"

"Well you're claiming to know he liked me. Did you tell him who you liked?" 

Armin was hesitant. He sat down against the wall and looked up at Jean. "It wouldn't really matter, would it, because we thought we were the only ones who liked boys." 

"That makes no sense. Tell me. It was Eren, wasn't it?" Armin didn't say anything to Jean's speculation, but he didn't need to. Jean kicked at the ground and tried to keep his voice level as he went on. "Makes sense. You spent every second you were together all over him, smiling up at him like he was something special and worrying about him. I'm just second best, aren't I? You never would have agreed to be with me if he was still here instead of gallivanting around with the Scouting Legion."

"Jean."

"What?" 

"Shut up. You don't know what you're talking about." Armin reached up and tugged Jean to the ground by his hand. It was a lucky thing that Jean hadn't ended up smashing his face against the wall but he didn't quite manage to say that when Armin's hands were holding onto his face and steadily staring into his eyes. "Of course I'd worry about Eren, he's my friend and I worry about Mikasa too. You're not second best, you're first. I could have chosen to say no if I didn't want to be with you but I'm here and you're very special to me. So, please, just shut up." 

Jean did shut up. But he needed to say something so his silence, the silence that was making Armin's clear eyes glitter and the furrow in his brow turn shallower, didn't last very long. "I want you so much. I want you but I can't stop thinking about it. I had this dream last night and it was horrible. I was just imagining you and him - but he was the way I found him - and he was touching you and-"

"I already told you to shut up. I'm going to kiss you now. Is that okay?" 

Jean nodded as much as Armin's hands would allow. 

"Good," Armin said, business-like. He closed the distance between their faces, lips just about on target when Jean scrambled backwards. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to but... I just need to get over it and then it'll be fine." He pulled away from Armin's loosened grip and stood, a little shakily. Before he made a quick retreat he mumbled one last, "Sorry." 

It was stupid. He couldn't help being stupid. He thought he was fine but the longer this went on the worse it made him feel. His thoughts had managed to accumulate friends and it was no longer just about Armin and Marco being together - relationship or not. Now Jean couldn't help but think about how inexperienced he himself was. He didn't know anything and Armin could frankly say that he and Marco had 'practiced', meaning repeatedly done things until they got them right. 

Armin was the first person Jean had ever kissed but, with the way he was acting, Armin would never share any more of Jean's firsts. 

Jean was just going to embarrass himself. He was going to mess up, do something stupid, and make Armin laugh in a way that didn't feel good. Then that blunder was going to haunt him when Armin stupidly confided in somebody and revealed Jean's shortcomings to some idiot who would ridicule Jean without a moment's thought. 

It wasn't as though Jean could go off and find somebody to practice with. He didn't want to practice with anybody because he had Armin - but even that small comfort brought him back round to the fact that Marco had Armin first. 

 

*

 

Somehow he ended up avoiding Armin. 

 

Jean found he had a proficiency for making himself scarce when he needed to. Of course he couldn't completely avoid Armin and satisfied himself with making only polite conversation when forced to. It was stupid and immature and left Jean with thoughts of the fact that Marco, his stupid friend Marco had touched Armin and held him and heard him and felt him and tasted him and... 

That wasn't good. 

Armin still sat by him at dinner and Jean glanced down at those hands that were smaller than his own but just as calloused and scarred from training, from getting used to the grip of the blade handle and learning to use 3DMG. But then Jean couldn't help wonder what else Armin had learnt to grip, what those hands had done to Marco. Those weren't nice thoughts. 

 

They had been practicing dismounting from horses using their 3D Manoeuvre Gear. It was more of a refresher than anything but a lot of people still didn't quite have the hang of it. Armin especially. Somehow Armin had fallen into what was either a very large puddle or a very small pond and was soaked through with muddy water. There wasn't much Jean could do about that aside from wincing in sympathy but it made him realise that it might have been his fault. Armin wasn't as focused as he usually was. If anybody was going to fall off their horse and end up covered in mud it definitely would have been Armin, however he still could have avoided it had he not been glancing in Jean's direction every few minutes. 

Afterwards, Armin was a shivering, chattering mess of mud smears and damp clothes. It was this miserable looking Armin that approached Jean and said, "Why aren't you talking to me?" 

"I am," Jean said weakly. 

"No you're not. You've been ignoring me for days." Except the 'days' came out more like 'd-day-y-ys' and Jean felt like the worst kind of person. Just seeing Armin wearing mud-smeared dismay pulled at Jean's chest. He couldn't quite breathe properly because he was angry at Marco and he was angry at himself and he hated that he was even angry at Armin. He had no right to be angry with Armin but he was. He was annoyed and felt betrayed and his chest hurt. 

He didn't even care who saw, who would make fun of him for being a sap, as he pulled Armin to his chest. He held him close and the pressure of another person, the pressure of this person, eased the empty ache inside him. 

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Jean breathed. His front was getting damp from Armin's water-logged clothes and his wet tendrils of hair but the tightness of Armin's arms around him made him feel a little less stupid. 

"Why does it matter so much? Why are you so offended that I have been with somebody else?" Armin asked. His face was mashed against Jean's shoulder but his words were clear and pronounced, sharp against the idiotic mush that was Jean's mind. 

"Because I'm stupid but I want you to only think about me when you... when you're alone. I don't know. I just. It doesn't feel particularly good knowing that you were with Marco, of all people, and I know I'm being stupid because it's not like he would have known that I liked you but the fact still stands that you did things with him and I haven't done anything." 

There was a long moment where neither of them said anything. Jean studiously stared straight ahead, ignoring any curious glances he sensed from the others in their training group as they tramped back to warmth from the stables. Eventually Armin lifted his head, his chin digging into Jean's chest, just below his collar bone. 

Armin said, "Are you saying you wished you were more experienced?" 

Jean didn't answer but he allowed himself to look down at Armin's abject expression. 

"I don't want you to worry about something stupid like that. I don't care that you're a virgin." Jean hissed at Armin to shush but he was ignored as Armin went on, "I don't want you to think about sleeping with someone else just so we're even or something stupid." 

"No. No, I'm not saying I'd do something like that." 

"You're not?" 

"No, I-" Jean stopped. The pair had to work out a clumsy waddle to move further out of earshot of any stragglers though they tripped a few times on uneven tufts that sprouted from the ground hither and thither. In a lower voice, he said, "I want to, um, erase the traces of stuff you did before." 

"I'm not following." 

"When I was thinking of this it sounded a lot less stupid. I think we should try doing it though." 

"Are you sure? I mean you've been ignoring me for days and all of a sudden you want to have sex?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"You've said," Armin muttered. Jean didn't mention that Armin had already mentioned the ignoring thing because it probably wouldn't earn him too many favours. Instead he combed his fingers through Armin's damp hair, a gesture that calmed Jean a bit when Armin didn't back away like he had worried he would. He still had Armin in his arms, regardless of the grudging tone in this voice and the fact that Jean couldn't help acting stupid about the Armin and Marco thing. The thing was he really was sorry and even though he knew he was being stupid it didn't feel stupid. It was just mortifying that somebody else had had Armin in a way he had not. 

"I think I need this. I think maybe if we have sex it will help."

"Help what? Help you decide that was what you wanted all along and then you can dump me?" 

"What?" 

"Nothing, it's just something somebody said." 

Jean didn't even want to start down that route so he waited for Armin to speak again with less bitterness in his tone. But he didn't say anything, he just looked at a point over Jean's shoulder. Jean twisted to have a look behind him but there was nobody there. Everybody else had gone and if anybody was left behind they were most likely just sorting out the horses in the stables. 

Armin was sniffing and wiped at his nose with the heel of his hand when Jean looked at him again. 

Jean said, "Please. We might not get too many chances soon." 

"You shouldn't think like that," Armin said. his voice was tense and initially Jean thought it was because he was annoyed, but then it became apparent that Armin was clenching his jaw and trying not to chatter his teeth. Jean couldn't deny that this was inadvertently his fault.

"I know I shouldn't be thinking like that but I am. One of us might... and then the one left would be thinking 'I really wish I'd had more sex with my boyfriend'. I'm not saying it would happen straight away, we're still new at facing actual titans but I think we could do it, but it is likely that some point in the future one of us-" 

"Don't."

Jean complied easily. He said nothing more about it but he did finish the train of thought. One day either he or Armin might not be around anymore. If it was Armin who was somehow at the mercy of the titans, Jean wasn't sure that he would be able to deal with that. Marco had said about how Jean might make a good leader because he was weak, because he would easily empathise with others just as weak as himself, and his death had spurred Jean on and prompted him to pledge himself to the bone-dust that was probably not Marco. Marco's death was the reason he was going to do his best because he couldn't just sit around and disappoint him after he'd had that much faith in Jean. He couldn't give into his weakness every time and disappoint Marco. But if Armin was the one who... 

He wouldn't want to disappoint Armin either but losing him would be different. Somehow losing Armin would be incongruent to losing a friend and gaining a purpose to keep going; it would just be Jean losing someone important and losing hope and motivation. 

Wasting any time he could spend together with Armin was stupid. He was still frustrated and annoyed and thinking about Armin having any sort of intimacy with Marco made him feel ill but wasting the time that they were together and hale was still stupid. 

"I don't think anybody else is around. The second group will still be out for a while so we'll be alone." 

Jean blinked. "What? You're saying we're going to have sex in some stables? Where horses live? It's going to stink in there you know." 

"Not proper sex. Knowing our luck we'd end up rolling around in horse poo or something. Besides, I think you can stand the smell if I'm going to have your thing in my mouth." 

"You..." 

"Yes. Come on," Armin said. He slid his hand into Jean's and led him to the free stable. 

"But you're soaked. Aren't you worried about getting ill?"

"I honestly don't think catching a chill is the worst thing that could happen to me," Armin replied wryly. 

Immediately after entering the empty stables, Armin shoved Jean into the first stall. The back of Jean's skull thunked against the wall, making him see stars but not distracting him from the fact that he had been right and it really did stink in the stables. Not that it mattered because Armin was crouched down, deft hands unbuckling certain straps and yanking Jean's trousers and underwear out of the way. 

"You're quick," Jean noted weakly. 

Armin was already stroking Jean to hardness as he said, "We don't know how much time we have. Keep watch through the window to make sure people aren't coming." 

Jean couldn't quite believe his luck but he hadn't expected Armin to be so clinically precise about this. He hadn't expected Armin to wear a mask of such discernment as Jean got harder. But this was it - Jean was finally going to have his dick in somebody else's mouth and he hoped it was as good as some people's bragging made it out to be. 

The first tentative lick to the head of his cock sent a shiver all through Jean's body. That felt weird. That felt kind of great and it was Armin, who had started swirling his tongue around the head now, who was making Jean feel great. It was Armin who pulled away to smile a little wickedly up at him, saying, "So that's what you sound like," before wrapping his lips around Jean's cock and sucking him into his mouth. 

Jean just couldn't quite believe Armin's mouth, hot and wet as he sucked and slurped at Jean's throbbing cock, was reducing him to gasps and moans that were not quite as deep and manly as he would have hoped. He didn't know where to put his hands and his flushed skin gained an extra layer of blush when he realised that if he stayed quiet he could hear the dirty wet sounds Armin's mouth was making as he sucked Jean off. 

This was way better than his hand. 

He was vaguely disappointed that Armin pulled off when he was so close, everything deep inside him pulling and tightening up. It wasn't so bad though as Armin stroked him through his orgasm.

"I like the way you sounded," Armin said as he stood up and rubbed at his mouth before wiping his hand on his trousers. He was splodgy and pink all across his cheeks and nose. His lips were a swollen red and shining with spit and Jean wanted. He wanted to reach out and touch Armin, to hold him close and never let him go - unless that would perhaps encumber any future activity like this. And then it occurred to him that he had got the better end of the deal here.

"Do you want me to do you too?" 

Armin smiled tightly and shook his head.

"But I feel like I should..." 

"This isn't about returning favours. Besides, we don't know how long it would be before someone came back and I wouldn't want to be caught in a compromising position like that." Armin made his way out of the stable but stopped before reaching the door. He sneezed loudly, his whole body flinching through the force of it and he said, "Oh, and I'm cold too." 

Jean put himself away and redid his trousers and considered what Armin meant about compromising positions as he followed on the way to get a shower. 

 

Maybe it was because he was nervous about the looming opportunity to face titans but Jean couldn't sleep. He'd doze for maybe half an hour before waking up with a niggling feeling in the back of his skull, and a curious weight in his stomach, and he would be unable to get comfortable in his bunk no matter how much he tossed and turned. 

No, that wasn't it. 

He'd had his first orgasm that was caused by somebody else that day. That was why he couldn't sleep. Every now and then that little reminder would float into his mind and he wouldn't be able to settle down again. Once he managed to block out the snores of the other boys in the room he would be faced with flashbacks of earlier in the stables dancing their way across his memory and sleep eluded him further. He was going to regret it the next morning when being half-asleep would be to his detriment. 

But he and Armin had - well, Jean didn't really do much of anything aside from melt into the touches, licks and sucks bestowed upon him - done stuff and he really wanted nothing more than to do more stuff every second that they could be alone together. He wanted to reach out and touch Armin and at least attempt to return the favour because if he could make Armin feel half as good as he'd felt it would be something to be proud of. 

Then there was a weight at the foot of his mattress. Jean lifted his head and tried to see but he could only use the thin light of the moon through the window as a light source to reveal a wriggling lump at the end of his bed. That wriggling lump was advancing up the mattress, under Jean's blanket and he was kind of scared until Armin's head popped up, his nose inches from Jean's. 

"You're in my bed," Jean whispered.

"I am." 

Somebody snored from the bunk above Jean's and he remembered his voice could disturb people. In an even more hushed whisper he said, "I can't stop thinking about earlier, when you, um..." 

His face felt too hot and he was glad he could barely make out the curve of Armin's eyes and the shine of his eyes because that meant his stupid blushing face was imperceptible in the dark. 

"I'm glad," Armin said. Under the blanket he moved closer to Jean. "I've been thinking about it a lot too." 

Jean nodded. He was all too aware of everybody else around them but they were asleep and he had Armin right in front of him. Armin had tangled his legs together with Jean's and he was so close and there was no way Jean could resist this when he couldn't stop thinking about earlier. He very carefully, very quietly asked, "Can we... do...?"

His response came in the form of Armin sliding his hand down the front of Jean's pyjama bottoms and bringing his other hand up to muffle the surprised gasp the action elicited. After a few long, languid strokes, Armin removed the hand from Jean's mouth and replaced it with his lips as a gentle pressure. Despite the kissing Jean found himself wincing at the sound of his own breathing that was harsh in the quiet of the room - too harsh a sound compared to the snores and sleepy murmurs of others. It was not until he held his breath that he heard Armin's own gasps into the kisses and a quick sweep from an exploratory hand confirmed that Armin was jerking himself off too. 

"Do you want me to take over?" 

Armin shook his head and surprised Jean by yanking down his pyjama bottoms. Apparently he was less worried about waking people up than Jean was because in flurry of rustling fabric he was on top of Jean, their hips aligned and their erections rubbing against one another. He showed his quick thinking by using a forceful kiss to quiet the surprised moan that spilled from Jean's lips. 

For a moment Jean was surprised at the ease with which Armin was completely undoing him. Then he remembered that Armin had done this before - Armin had done a lot more than just this before, but it was hard to be as bothered by it as much as he was before Armin was grinding their hips together.

It was too hot and he was worried about being too loud but everything was Armin. He could hear Armin's muffled gasps, he could smell Armin's warm and heady scent that had gained a bit of an edge from having not washed the mud out of his hair properly, the prickles of sweat the sprung across his skin were all because of Armin and his hand that dipped under Jean's t-shirt and stroked at the hot slick skin there.

It was not quite enough though. 

It was great and he had Armin so close to him like this, a welcome weight on Jean's body, but Jean was worried about somebody waking up and seeing this and an odd sort of panic washed over him. His hand was trembling as it reached down below the covers to wrap around both of their cocks, slick with precum. It was weird having two in his hand. The circle his hand made was stretched a bit too wide to be comfortable but Armin had moaned, a quiet sound that was deafeningly loud to Jean's ears in the stillness of the room. It was a bit difficult trying to stroke them both like this; the feeling of their cocks in the same grip and rubbing together even more closely was actually amazing but his hand was already threatening to cramp up. 

But Armin was nodding into their kisses and he hummed a little happily so Jean kept doing it. His ears were straining against the quiet to make sure he would know if anybody woke up but he couldn't be sure if he imagined the quiet ,"keep going." It was all Jean could do to do as he was told while he wondered whether this was some sort of lesson. If it was it was certainly more enjoyable than any other lesson he'd had in his life. 

One of Armin's hands joined his, stretched around both of their cocks as his hips stuttered and he came. It was amazing. He couldn't quite make out the features of Armin's face but Armin keened as he came, shuddering on top of Jean and exhaling harshly on Jean's face. 

"You just... came," Jean whispered. 

"I know," Armin breathed through a smile. 

"On me." 

"Sorry." 

"No, don't be. I just-"

"Shh, you're still hard."

Armin tucked himself away and retightened the grip on Jean's cock that had loosened during his orgasm. Jean's own hand was mostly redundant as Armin got to work and Jean found himself coming with a muffled grunt moments later. 

"Do you think anybody woke up?" Jean asked, not minding all that much when Armin wiped his hand down the front of his T-shirt. 

"Probably. You got a little noisy there." 

"Me? No way. I tried really hard to be quiet." 

Armin shifted off Jean so that he was curled tightly against his side. He stayed that way for just a moment, Jean felt the other boy's nose against his neck and the hand lightly tracing the skin under the hem of his T-shirt and breathed out slowly. Just as Jean was about to wrap his arms around Armin he felt the warmth of the other boy leaving him. 

"You're going?" 

"This isn't my bed. On the off-chance that someone doesn't know what we just did, I'd like to maintain the illusion that we both just slept the night through."

"Armin, wait." 

"Hmm?" 

"I, uh. You know I'm not just in this for things like this, right, but-" 

"That's just a taster, okay? Don't think that we won't do lots more stuff," Armin whispered before dropping a kiss down onto Jean's half-questioning lips. Then he was burrowing back under the blanket and crawling backwards, dragging it off Jean's chest and exposing him to the chill of the night air. It was freezing but he was able to get back under the cover of warmth once Armin was gone, tiptoeing across the room silently as though he was imagined.

 

The next morning, Jean felt conflicted. For some reason he felt guilty about Armin but also elated at the fact that their relationship had progressed to decidedly more physical territory. It did feel as though he had forced the issue. Because he was a jealous idiot he probably made Armin think that was what had to be done in order for Jean to return to normal. They had never done anything before and he couldn't help but think that was because Armin simply hadn't particularly wanted to. So when Armin asked him to meet him at their usual place that evening, behind the shed opposite the kitchens, Jean was reluctant. 

Of course he did go there though. It was some time with Armin that would almost certainly be time alone. 

"Are you okay?" Armin was leaning against the weathered wall of the storage shed with his ankles crossed and his hands behind his back. He wasn't quite smiling as Jean approached him. 

"I'm fine," Jean replied. His hand scratched at the nape of his neck and for some reason that made Armin raise his eyebrows. "How are you this morning?" 

"Good." He slid down the wall and plopped onto the ground. Jean sat next to him, although Armin deemed the distance sufficient enough for him to shuffle closer. "So what's wrong though?" 

"Nothing." 

"Was last night too much?" 

Last night had been too much. Too much too quickly but at the same time it was not quite enough. It wasn't enough because Jean kept wanting but no matter how much he wanted he couldn't help but think that it would make up for nothing. 

Armin stared at Jean and said, "You've been doing that thing again."

"What thing?" 

"I was looking out for it this time. I thought, maybe I'm imagining the lack of conversation and eye contact. But it lasted all day and I realised I wasn't imagining it at all." 

"I'm sorry?" 

Armin chuckled humourlessly. He yanked out a few blades of grass between them and said, "You really do have a short memory, don't you." 

"Did I forget something?" Jean asked. He was aware that with that question he was blundering into potentially dangerous ground. 

"I really like you, Jean."

Well, he certainly hadn't forgotten that. Jean remembered that quite well because Armin not liking him would definitely not have resulted in two orgasms within the same day. Not that he was an expert on the matter. 

"I care about you a lot but it is so frustrating that whenever something happens you start going quiet and ignoring me." 

"I'm not ignoring you." 

"You are and I'm not letting it go on for days this time. I'm sorry that I was with Marco before. Obviously it's something you'll never get over it and that's all that matters, right."

Armin inhaled sharply when he had finished speaking. It was almost a gasp but he was almost smiling too as he cleared his throat. It was a miserable almost-smile. Jean felt miserable too. He was upsetting Armin and all he hadn't been able to stop thinking about Marco recently. Stupid, dead, amazing Marco. 

Jean almost choked on the sob that burst from his chest. 

"You're crying," Armin pointed out. There was a wobble in his voice that made him sound less bemused and closer to tears himself. 

"Yeah." 

"Why?" 

"Marco," Jean eventually managed to say. His feet skidded on the floor as he brought his knees to his body, his arms clamped around his torso as though that might help him feel less like breaking apart. 

"Oh. Did you-" 

"No. Sh-shut up. Marco and you." Jean took a deep breath, feeling startlingly stupid for blubbing like a little baby. "He's dead and..." 

Armin reached for one of Jean's hand and gripped it so tightly it was starting to feel numb. He said, "I know, I know." 

"If he was still here I could tell him it wasn't cool of him to have done stuff with you. I could have got really mad at him and maybe I would have tried to fight him. He probably wouldn't have had any of that because he was too nice to settle things like that and he preferred using words. And then I'd have told him to stay away from you and he'd have agreed because he was a good friend. I know you though, so you would have sneaked off to hang out with him and do whatever nerd stuff you did together, right?" 

Armin nodded and leaned into Jean's side, tightened his grip on Jean's hand. 

"I'd have tried to start another fight with him but this time you'd have told me to stop being an idiot and he would have done that stupid laugh. And then I would have gotten over it. I'm sure I would have. You said he liked me but I don't think he would have minded if it was you. Do you think we'd be together if he hadn't... died?" 

There was a long pause before Armin answered. Jean thought that he never would reply so he sniffed loudly and tried to scrub away all trace of the tears and snot from his face with the cuff of his jacket. If Armin didn't answer Jean decided that he would walk away from this and pretend that this conversation had never happened. He wasn't sure what would happen about this thing between himself and Armin when that happened but that was another matter entirely. 

"I honestly don't know," Armin finally said. 

"Can we pretend that you said yes? It would be a yes if it were up to me." 

"Does it matter?" 

Yes. it mattered a lot because Jean hated the idea of losing Armin - even a small, hypothetical part of Armin that didn't technically exist. That was when he realised that if he carried on like this he was going to lose the very real Armin beside him. Not even because he might get eaten by a titan; it was a very real threat but Jean was risking losing Armin much sooner than that had chance to become a reality because he was an idiot. Jean already knew that he was an idiot but he just hadn't quite realised what Armin has been trying to tell him. 

"It matters," Jean muttered. 

"I'm not sorry for sleeping with Marco." 

"Fine," Jean said. He'd stopped crying properly by this point but if he was still crying that would have shocked him to a stop. "I'm not sorry for being an idiot." 

"But you wouldn't do it again, would you? If you promise not to be an idiot again, and you don't ignore me whenever anything happens, I promise I won't have sex with Marco again." 

Jean stared down at Armin, not quite able to understand. The other boy got to his knees and held Jean's hands in both of his. He looked expectantly up at Jean through his lashes Jean was acutely aware that he was being given a chance here. This was the part where he agreed, glad not to have to beg his way back into Armin's good books, and tried his hardest not to ruin it.

He said, "I get the feeling that I have the raw end of the deal here." 

"You're right, you do have the worse end of the deal. Will you take it all the same?"

"I never cried and I never ignored you." Armin didn't say anything. "I'll make it up to you about the ignoring thing? You can't tell people that I cried though." 

Armin leaned in to press a kiss to Jean's lips. Jean wanted to laugh with relief. That was a yes. That had to have been a yes but it was also a conditional yes. He was definitely going to keep to those conditions. After he pulled Armin closer, the boy broke the kiss and whispered, "Don't die."

"You're not allowed to die either," Jean whispered back.


End file.
